Jake: I can't believe this is happening. I didn't think there was any way she could fail the practice test.
Rosa: Well, we still have three hours until the exam.
Jake: First we gotta figure out where she is. All right, think. If you were Amy, where would you be right now?
Gina: Oh, uh, boring pantsuit store. A crossword factory? A museum of retainers and headgear? Is it possible to enter the color beige?

Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? The heater's under your skirt?
Gina: Maybe. You can't prove that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I can. There's a cord running under it, and I think you may be on fire.
Gina: Mm, so?
Sergeant Jeffords: What do you mean "so"?
Gina: I'm not giving up Jacinta.
Sergeant Jeffords: You are on fire, Gina. You do not have the upper hand in this situation.
Gina: I always have the upper hand.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not when there's flames shooting out of your butt!
Gina: Especially when there's flames shooting out of my butt.

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Jake: I know everything about him, therefore I know exactly the type of person I need to be in order for him to think I'm good enough for Amy.
Charles: No, Jake, you're fine. Just flash him your baby browns, he'll love it. Just be yourself.
Jake: Be myself? Charles, I have one day to win over Amy's dad. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Rosa: Couple weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Six months.
Captain Holt: Jury's still out.
Jake: See, Charles? "Be myself," what kind of garbage advice is that? I hope you're not telling Nikolaj that crap.
Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Ugh.

Doug Judy: Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once. A cop and a criminal working together. (GASPS) We need a theme song. The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop-
Jake: Oh!
Doug Judy: Taking down crooks, In the streets where they live, Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge-
Jake: There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

TV Announcer: The Cairn Terrier is intelligent and inquisitive with a bold personality.
Captain Holt: [chuckles] "A bold personality." We know what that's code for: she's a bitch.

Jake: The alarm company said the break-in happened around 7:30. Most people are home at that time. Is there anyone who knew you'd be out?
Laverne Holt: The people who were with me at wine club. Oh my, I just remembered, Carol Spitzheim's house was broken into several months ago, also during wine club.
Captain Holt: Interesting. The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small.
Laverne Holt: I would say infinitesimally.
Jake: Yes, and I would say teenily-weenily. We all know words.

Captain Holt: Enough! He robbed my mother.
Jake: No, he didn't. He's her lover. He's your mother's lover. He's lovering your mother.

Charles: See you in hell, partner. [Charles pushes the K-13 robot off the balconey]
[present:]
Jake: You killed her?
Charles: Her? Oh, my God, it was a her. You were replacing Amy, not me. What have I done?

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate that we lose to those pasty-assed mole people every year.
Captain Holt: Oh, there's no point in mincing your words. They're knaves!
Gina: Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?
Captain Holt: You bet I do. And tonight, I'm gonna sing with it. We're taking down the MTA.

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian Pimento: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.

Jake: Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX. That's I-G Nacious.

Rosa: Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: What did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again.
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Jake: Amy's not in the break room.
Rosa: Or the evidence room.
Hitchcock: Or the ladies' bathroom. You know what? I'll check again.
Rosa: I've never seen him walk with such purpose. What a wretched man.

Charles: It's okay. This isn't the first time I've been left out. At camp, nobody would be friends with me. I had to hang out with the lunch ladies. After summer ended, they never replied to any of my letters.