Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, look. You think it's our guys?
Jake: Maybe. But this is New York, so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."

Captain Holt: I assumed you've climbed out of your rat tunnels to taunt us about tonight's charity caroling competition.

Captain Holt: It's the "Monty Hall problem." Imagine you're on a game show. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car.
Kevin: You're telling it wrong. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car. You pick a door. The host, who knows where the car is, opens a different door, showing you there's nothing behind it. Now the host asks if you'd like to choose the other unopened door. Should you do it?
Captain Holt: No.
Kevin: Yes.
Both: It's simple math.
Captain Holt: It doesn't make any sense to switch. The prize is behind one of two doors. It's a 50/50 chance either way.
Kevin: It's 2/3 if you switch, 1/3 if you don't. The probability locks in when you make the choice. We've been over this eight times.
Captain Holt: Seven times. Now you can't even do simple addition.
Amy: Kevin is right.
Captain Holt: Hmm. You're fired.
Amy: What?
Rosa: Ah!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner party.
Captain Holt: No problem at all. This is important. Also, Kevin's friend Margo is here, and she's a real class-A drip.

Captain Holt: And how am I supposed to get all the way up there?
Gina: Gracefully.
Captain Holt: Boost my bottom!
Gina: I'm boosting!
Captain Holt: Boost my bottom!
Gina: I'm boosting!
Captain Holt: Boost it!

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Captain Holt: Are you hurt?
Jake: Yeah. I got caught on top of the fence. Check out my calf it's like Scratch City. How about you?
Captain Holt: I'm fine, except I was impaled on a metal pipe.
Jake: Oh, my God! [looking away and back again] Oh, my God! It's going to be fine. [looking away and back again] Oh, my God!

Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year. Doy.

Jake: Right, right. Um, I know that Terry definitely did do that work, so I'll just go grab 'em. Okay. Uh, you wait here. You can't come in because Amy's naked and she's embarrassed of her weird body.

Captain Holt: Kind of seemed like you were gonna get up and leave after saying all that.
Sergeant Jeffords: I was, but I think I hear Margo.

Jake: I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in, like, a playful way, like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God. Was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie.

Jake: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles: Really? 'Cause you said that about Die Hard 5, Jake.
Jake: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.

Captain Holt: I wanna show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Jake: Okay, but in my defense, Rosa bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
Captain Holt: That's not what I wanted to- You drank shampoo?
Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Captain Holt: Nice work, men. You can put your perp in holding with the other three convicts.
Jake: Wait. Other three?
Captain Holt: Yeah. Santiago and Boyle brought them in.
Amy: That's right. It's three to one. Guess you won't be needing this anymore since you'll be moving in with me.
Jake: My towel.
Amy: Yeah, your towel. [tries to ignite it with a lighter] Why won't it burn?
Jake: Because it never fully dries. The towel lives, and so do we!