Jake: I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in, like, a playful way, like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God. Was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie.

Jake: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles: Really? 'Cause you said that about Die Hard 5, Jake.
Jake: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.

Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Jake: This is amazing. Spending time with your mother in your childhood home. Ah, the adorable baby pictures, the embarrassing stories. The Founding Fathers Underoos.
Captain Holt: There will be no Underoos.
Jake: You went commando?
Captain Holt: That's enough.

Captain Holt: Nice work, men. You can put your perp in holding with the other three convicts.
Jake: Wait. Other three?
Captain Holt: Yeah. Santiago and Boyle brought them in.
Amy: That's right. It's three to one. Guess you won't be needing this anymore since you'll be moving in with me.
Jake: My towel.
Amy: Yeah, your towel. [tries to ignite it with a lighter] Why won't it burn?
Jake: Because it never fully dries. The towel lives, and so do we!

Captain Holt: Freeze, punk!
Gina: Yeah, freeze, punk!
Captain Holt: Gina, where did you get that gun?
Gina: Lost and found at the storage facility. They have boxes of 'em. They're everywhere.

Charles: Hey there, Nikolaj. It's your papa. If you're watching this, something bad has happened to me. But I want you to know that I love you very much.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want to stop filming yourself and help me with these many items I'm carrying?
Charles: Sorry, I was making a video for my son. You know, in case I never see him again. Do you not do that for your kids?
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course I do. I make those kind of videos all the time.You know, in fact, I was about to do one right now. Hey hey, girls. It's me, Daddy.
If you're seeing this, I'm dead. But I want you to know that I love you now and forever.
Charles: Okay, time for a lullaby, sung in your native Latvian. Ligo! Ligo! Ligo!
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, yeah, lullaby time. Look. Go to sleep, Daddy's dead But his ghost's always watching-

Jake: Hey there, Nikolaj, my man. How you doing?
Nikolaj Boyle: Hi, Jake, we made Daddy Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?
Jake: You bet I do.
Genevieve: The potato really brings out the vinegar.
Jake: Neither of those are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.

Charles: See, all Boyle men are blessed with a flat ass, which is perfect for scooching.

Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year. Doy.

Jake: Mm, hey, Captain.
Captain Holt: Are you just waking up? It's 11:00 a.m.
Jake: [scoffs] No, no, I'm just tired 'cause, um, I worked out so much this morning.
Captain Holt: Ah.
Jake: You know, squat 400 on the bench push fitness and whatnot.

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Captain Holt: And how am I supposed to get all the way up there?
Gina: Gracefully.
Captain Holt: Boost my bottom!
Gina: I'm boosting!
Captain Holt: Boost my bottom!
Gina: I'm boosting!
Captain Holt: Boost it!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner party.
Captain Holt: No problem at all. This is important. Also, Kevin's friend Margo is here, and she's a real class-A drip.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, look. You think it's our guys?
Jake: Maybe. But this is New York, so there's a very strong chance it's just "city blood."