Charles: You used all the touching time, Amy. I get 100% of the goodbye touching time. 100%.

Charles: So, it sounds like you're isolated and haven't had any chance to make new friends.
Jake: Well, my cellmate, Caleb, is okay.
Charles: Just remember he's in prison. No matter how small the crime, people don't change and don't deserve second chances.
Jake: Charles, relax. I'm not gonna replace you.

Guard: There's an incident in the yard. We're going into lockdown. Inmates, line up.
Jake: No. No, no, no, no, no. I have 50 more minutes. I need this.
Guard: Back to your cells right now.
Charles: No! My touching time.

Captain Holt: Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.
Rosa: Why are you saying my first name?
Captain Holt: Well, Rosa, I read an article in a medical journal that said one destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa, Rosa.
Rosa: Yup, that fixes prison.

Captain Holt: Hot damn! Four queens. I call this hand the Golden Girls.

Amy: Hey, standing desk. Look who's taking care of herself. Someone's not sitting down on the job.
Rosa: Hey. Sitting down on the job is damned hard work, and those heroes prove it every day. Mad respect.

Jake: Captain, do I have a tell?
Captain Holt: No, you don't understand the game well enough to have a tell.
Jake: Yeah, that makes sense.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, Diaz sent us a list of favors she needs us to do for her. She didn't hold back. First, she wants us to move all her furniture into storage.
Captain Holt: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then file her taxes for her.
Captain Holt: Really?
Sergeant Jeffords: And then she wants us to type up and email these letters to Pimento in Argentina.
Captain Holt: Are they sexual in nature?
Sergeant Jeffords: Crazy sexual.

Captain Holt: And I win again. Which is not surprising, given how you are both terrible. You don't even know the terminology.
Jake: What are you talking about? "Hit me."
Captain Holt: That is blackjack.
Jake: Snake-eyes.
Captain Holt: Craps.
Jake: Go Fish.
Captain Holt: And I believe that is Go Fish.

Guard: Can I help you?
Captain Holt: I'm just trying to work up the nerve to see her.
Guard: See who?
Captain Holt: My female wife, Crystal. I was cheating on her with a waitress from Wing Sluts named Jamie-Lynn. One night, when I was philandering, Crystal caught me kissing Jamie-Lynn's heavy breasts. She flew into a rage, and now she's serving five years for aggravated assault.
Guard: Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.
Captain Holt: Yeah, thanks, man. Hey. Bring it in?

Captain Holt: And no one won the heist.
All: Captain!
Jake: Get over it, ya jag!
Amy: Yeah, ya jag!

Rosa: I can't believe it took that long. I really thought the cable company was gonna break you.
Captain Holt: It did. But the good news is, you now have Epix, plus some channel called "Tunez," with a Z. Two-year commitment.

Charles: Whoa, all this is for me?
Rosa: Yep. You saved Peanut Butter, even though he's a dick.
Charles: He is a dick.

Warden: So, how was your first stint in solitary?
Jake: It was nothing. I held it together. [flashback] Oh Amy. When'd you get here? You've come for my conjugal capabilities. You're looking real good, girl.
Whoa, lost a booby. No matter. I'll just build another one. More mashed potatoes!

Caleb: I gotta tell you, cop work is a lot like cannibal work.
Jake: Really?
Caleb: Oh, yeah. The watching, the following, the waiting for soccer practice to end.
Jake: Come on, man!