Jake: We're gonna kidnap a cop. But not just any cop it needs to be someone so high-ranking that it sends shockwaves through the system, but not important enough that their absence negatively impacts the NYPD in any way.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Who you guys thinking?
Amy: We're clearly all looking at you.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, God. Am I in charge of the meeting? Dismissed. Dismissed.

Scully: He probably sat on it.
Hitchcock: So it got under his butt.
Scully: Happens all the time.
Hitchcock: Sure do.
Jake: Ugh, you guys are horrible.

Jake: The point is, I came to comfort you.
Amy: Aw, thanks, but I actually feel really great. I've spent my whole life trying to beat David at something, but when you were in danger, I just didn't care anymore. All I wanted was for you to be okay. I may never have the mantel, but it doesn't matter, 'cause I have you.

Trudy Judy: There's just one problem. I don't have the car. I already handed it off to a fence.
Doug Judy: Oh, Trudy Judy, you screwed me.

Madeline Wuntch: The only way to get you to trust me is if you thought I was betraying Holt.
Jake: Yeah!
Madeline Wuntch: And now I have access to all your personal correspondence-
Jake: All right!
Madeline Wuntch: Including all stingray authorizations. It's over, Kelly. You're done.
John Kelly: Okay. You may have won this round, Madeline, but you're gonna live to regret it. You are both so gonna live to regret it.
Jake: I agree with what was just said.
Madeline Wuntch: Hey, Jake? I'm just gonna hold this down.
Jake: Yeah, sounds good.

Charles: Rosa was my leading lady from the start. She's the only good actor here.
Sergeant Jeffords: She is?
Rosa: Yeah, you know nothing about my real life. I'm always acting.

Jake: Hey, you made it.
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: We finally got all the Lambda Nus back into holding.
Amy: Who are the Lambda Nus? Doesn't matter. I'll read your notes later.
Jake: I didn't take any notes.
Amy: What the hell, Jake? Do you even love me?
Jake: Says the woman who never once sent me flowers. Never mind.

Doug Judy: Sorry, I just get so overprotective. She's such a good kid. I guarantee you, she didn't steal those cars.
Sergeant Jeffords: We caught her sitting in a Bentley with a power amplifier and a homemade override plugged into the CAN bus.
Doug Judy: Yeah, she guilty.

Sergeant Jeffords: We're getting close. We just need to keep testing more things.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's a good idea. Have you tried a piece of paper? Is that your crinkle? Ooh, maybe oh. Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, sir. I think you've made your point.
Captain Holt: My point? Oh, I'm just trying to have fun by wasting time. Oh, maybe it's this crinkly-crunkly yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry heard a crinkle.
Captain Holt: Holt heard a crinkle, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: So suddenly, it's not a waste of time?
Captain Holt: Not a waste of time if we win! What are you waiting for, Jeffords? Call the Horndog!

John Kelly: Oh, come on, Madeline. There's no need to gloat. Though, it does feel good. Gloaty, gloat, gloat.
Captain Holt: I knew I never should have trusted you.
Madeline Wuntch: Yes, obviously not, you dum-dum. John, you're gonna wanna remember this. Why don't you snap a photo of him?
John Kelly: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you get in there with him?
John Kelly: Oh, why the heck not? My kids just got me a digital picture frame.
Madeline Wuntch: All right, everybody say, "Nine-Nine."
John Kelly: Nine-Nine.
Madeline Wuntch: Mm. Raymond, I love the scowl, but could you slump your shoulders a bit more? Remember you're a man who just lost everything.

Jake: They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
The Vulture: These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.
Jake: Ugh. You said you didn't trust them to get coffee.
The Vulture: Look, if you can't tell what "coffee" is code for by now, then you and I shouldn't be talking about this, Jake.
Amy: Oh, my God. He put his best detectives on the case.
The Vulture: Hey, my two best detectives are Sticky and Boner, and they definitely know how to order "coffee." Extra cream. Wink, wink.

Jake: Rosa! We gotta go up to Holt's.
Rosa: Is this not done yet? Ugh. Jocelyn leaves in eight minutes, and I don't want things to end like this.
Jake: Wow. Way to be vulnerable. I thought for sure you'd write her off the second she said she wanted to break up.
Rosa: Yeah, I did. She's dead to me.
Jake: Wait? Then why are you so anxious to get back up and talk to her?
Rosa: Because I have a plan. I'm gonna beg her to stay, change whatever it is I need to change, then once our relationship is stronger than ever, I'm gonna dump her ass so quick. It's gonna be brutal.

Amy: Guys, you can't keep everything. That defeats the purpose.
Scully: I got this, Ames. Hello, unsolved case. Do you bring me joy? No, because you're boring and you're too hard. See ya.
Amy: Personal items only, Scully. Get that case out of the trash.
Scully: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Sergeant Jeffords: The plan worked. I got it!
Jake: Oh my God, you look like an Oscar. Ooh. We should take a picture where it looks like I'm holding you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake.
Jake: You're right. There's no time. We'll do it later.

Gina: In the beginning, there was nothing. And then God, a woman, said, "Let there be Gina!"