Amy: This one says Die Pig. And worst of all, they didn't put the comma between die and pig.

Bob Annderson: This whole area is video-monitored by this guard here.
Captain Holt: I can distract him with conversation. What do you know about him?
Bob Annderson: Watches a lot of TV. I heard him mention "Sex and the City."
Captain Holt: Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.
Jake: Ooh. "Sex and the City" is one show. It's not a show called "Sex" and then another show called "The City."
Captain Holt: Okay. Good start. Now I know that.

Jake: Wait, getting a text. It's Captain Holt.
Rosa: Where is he? What'd he say?
Jake: "Inib rue tiid." Wait, I'm getting another one. "Ink obrvs whiz." These are nonsense.
Scully: He's been gagged.
Jake: How would that come through in a text, Scully?

Sergeant Jeffords: And Hitchcock and Scully, I assume you're here for some unrelated injury.
Hitchcock: That's correct.

Jake: That was 18 days ago. He's getting saner by the minute. In a month, he'll basically just be Frasier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't use Frasier's name in vain.
Jake: Copy that.

Gina: Whatcha doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man?

Jake: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Captain Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Jake: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Amy: I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats.
Doug Judy: Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Captain Holt: To catching a serial killer.
Jake: To catching a serial killer.
Gina: To Rihanna, because I love Rihanna.

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

Charles: Oh, hey, can I borrow that? Genevieve's out of town. I need two phones so I can send her a "frontie" and a "backie."
Gina: I don't want your ass in my cloud.

Jake: Medical examiner, jackpot. The gym is full of bodies.
Captain Holt: No, Department of Health.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
Jake: Mumps, that's a funny word.
Captain Holt: It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Jake: Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.

Charles: Gina. Gina. Gina, I screwed up, big time.
Gina: Charles, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

Jake: We can deal with this. We just need a new plan.
Amy: I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, then date in secret.
Jake: Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?
Amy: Okay, new plan.

Jake: I am straight-up depressed. Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.