Captain Holt: It's like there's something great at this party for everyone, even me. She's serving my favorite dessert: carrots.

Captain Holt: So you were right. Wuntch was not able to claw through her coffin and write the email herself. It turns out, the lawyer for her estate sent it.

Captain Julie Kim: Well, I went over your recent evaluations, and I don't think you belong here.
Jake: Oh, I knew it. You want to get rid of me. Well, you know what? You can't fire me, because I quit metaphorically. Obviously, for medical insurance reasons, it's actually much better if do you fire me.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian Pimento: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay. Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!
Adrian Pimento: What? You just told me that wasn't the case!

Amy: My period's late, I think I might be pregnant.
Rosa: Oh, damn.
Amy: I can't be pregnant! Jake and I agreed to wait at least a year until we tried. I haven't found an OB, I'm not on any preschool waiting lists, and I spent all of yesterday in a room with Hitchcock and his new cologne, which can't be good for the baby it is literally called Zika!

Rosa: [over radio] Peralta, you there?
Jake: Yeah, what's up?
Rosa: You gotta get back here right now. Amy's water broke.
Jake: What?
Charles: What?
Jake: When?
Charles: When?
Jake: Did she lose her mucus plug?
Charles: Did she lose her mucus plug?
Rosa: I can't believe you're making me say this, but she thinks she lost her mucus plug yesterday, but mistook it for normal discharge.
Jake: How thick was it? Was it clear or milky?
Charles: Was it bloody? Was it "the bloody show?"
Rosa: Jake, I think it's very cool that you've learned this, very progressive. Charles, I think you know you crossed a line. Just get back here, now!

Jake: Okay, sir, the kidnapper should be calling with his demands any minute. If we trace his location, we can find your fuzzy boy.
Captain Holt: Not fuzzy. He's fluffy.
Kevin: We don't know what he is anymore. He could be fuzzy, he could be anything. Raymond, he could be scruffy.
Captain Holt: Now you've upset Kevin. I hope you're happy.
Jake: Why would I be happy? I clearly just mixed up fuzzy and fluffy.
Captain Holt: "Just?" You're fired. I want your shield and your piece.
Jake: That seems a little extreme.
Kevin: Jake is right.
Jake: Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin: Just suspend him without pay.

Charles: Why did you want Cheddar to swallow the gems?
Rosa: Because I needed to delay things. The second part of my plan took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly.
Jake: Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems.
Rosa: 'Cause I tricked him into it. Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same Cheddar ham playbook.
[flashback:]
Scully: Table ham. Seven days in a row.
[present:]
Scully: So now I have to think twice before I eat food I find lying around. Thanks a lot.

Captain Holt: Thank you for seeing me. I just wanted to let you know I was wrong. Until last night, I didn't realize how much Russian I'd learned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it was impressive. And your accent was great, too.
Captain Holt: Thank you, but I actually speak with the accent of a peasant.

Charles: What's going on? The guy's on Hoyt Street.
Jake: I know, I gave Holt a fake lead to get rid of him. Don't worry, I'm still the Manhunter.
Charles: [singing] He's the Manhunter! And the boy who he hunts with-
Jake: What's that song?
Charles: The Boyhunter song! [singing] Boyhunter Down by the schoolyard.
Jake: Why is he by the schoolyard?
Charles: He's gotta protect the kids!
Jake: Sounds terrible.
Charles: Really, I don't hear it!

Jake: Brace yourselves. You're about to look into the face of pure evil.
Captain Julie Kim: Ah, good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm Captain Julie Kim.
Charles: And I'm Chuck. If you want results, stay the hell out of my way. [tosses coffee cup]
Captain Julie Kim: Okay, wow, I guess I know who the office badass is.

Jake: Okay, I'm approaching the drop site. I don't see anything unusual.
Captain Holt: We have eyes on you. Just be natural.
Jake: Indeed, I will. Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.
Kevin: Very good.
Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain Holt: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay. [answers phone] You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you just give away your magic jacket?
Charles: Oh, Terry, it wasn't the jacket. I realize now that Chuck was in here. I've had another man deep inside me this whole time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Welcome back, Charles.
Charles: Oh, right away? It was the jacket.

Sergeant Jeffords: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so? [gasps] We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ewh, we can name the company later.