Jake: Where did I put them? Let's see. I had them in my left hand, and then I went to open the trunk, so I switched to my right hand. Oh, but then I had to sneeze, and I thought, "I don't want to sneeze on these keys." Dr. Seuss. Not really, but should be. "Do not sneeze on my keys. Do not wheeze on my keys. Do not sneeze on your knees on my keys, if you please."
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, could you please move along on this thought journey?
Jake: Yeah, right, sorry. Okay, so then I put them on top of a plastic tub, which is locked inside the car. The keys are locked inside the car!
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

[about a year later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Now that that's been sorted, are there any questions?
Jake: Yes! I have a question! Captain Jeffords, are you ready for the Halloween Heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta? Last year was the final heist. We all agreed it was over.
Jake: Ah, Terry, you jolly simpleton. That was obviously a ruse. I mean, did you really think I was gonna let Hitchcock win the last heist? I mean, that would be crazy! Hitchcock? It would've been unforgiveable.
Hitchcock: That's true, it felt wrong.
Captain Holt: I know someone who's in. The old janitor, which is actually me! Deputy Commissioner Raymond Holt.
Amy: And he's not the only one. I'm in too.
Rosa: Me too.
Gina: As am I. Gina Linetti.
Jake: That's right, Terry, this is happening every year. We're in each other's lives forever, whether you like it or not. So, what do you say, Captain? Are we doing this?
Sergeant Jeffords: What I say is... Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!

Amy: Rule number 3: Let's not have sex right away.
Jake: Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.

Rosa: Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: What did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again.
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

Jake: Please Sarge, just come. Do it for me. Do it for love.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn Jake, you know Terry loves love. I'm in.

Captain Holt: Bingpot!

Doug Judy: Thank God you were there, Peralta. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.
Jake: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.
Doug Judy: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting him out of his shell.
Amy: Tell me about it. Every time we get emotional, he's like, "Noice, smort."

Sergeant Jeffords: My own office. With walls!
Charles: Did you tell him Terry doesn't love walls?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Terry loves walls.

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed. [laughs] It's weird.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, please tell me this malfunctioning copier isn't gonna sink our precinct.
Sergeant Jeffords: I figured out how to turn it on, but the screen just shows a cartoon turtle sobbing.
Captain Holt: Perhaps it's a paper jam.
Sergeant Jeffords: And what about when the little sushi roll comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?
Captain Holt: Toner issue.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Gintars: It's gift for Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj?
Jake: How do you know Charles's son?
Gintars: My name is Gintars. From Latvia. I am Nikolaj birth father.
Charles: Ohh! Nikolaj's birth father who I'd never hope to meet. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, c-c-c-c-c [passes out]

Captain Holt: Why is there yoghurt on this?
Jake: The Deputy Commissioner threw my report in Terry's trash can, and he'd been eating yoghurt earlier.
Captain Holt: Terry loves yoghurt.

Jake: Anyways, you all have your assignments. Let's plan an ambush. Nine-Nine!
Everyone: Nine-Nine!
Jake: Chills, you guys. Literally, chills.

Charles: But these aren't bad for you. They're full of fiber and antioxidants.
Go ahead, try one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, fine. Just one. Mmmm. Damn, these are good.
Charles: And plus, they're organic and fair trade.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry loves responsible agricultural practices.

Rosa: Time for waiting is over. Now is the time for groin-stomping.
Bob Annderson: Damn right, it is! Let's go arrest that punk.
Jake: He says "punk" just like you.
Captain Holt: Where do you think he learned it, punk?

Jake: But my point is this: I don't care what time it is. I'm always happy to be here. Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I'm gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in. A-Noine-Noine!

Kate Peralta: Anyway, I should go. My plane's leaving. Come here.
Jake: Noice.
Kate Peralta: Toit.

Captain Holt: Bingpot!

Sergeant Jeffords: What's that smell? That's lavender. Terry loves lavender.

Jake: Guilty. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool..... Cool.

Dr. Theresa Moore: Oh, um, can I help you?
Jake: Yes. I am... your new patient.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Garrett?
Jake: Garrett ... is my name, yes.
Dr. Theresa Moore: You're an hour and a half early.
Jake: I know. I have problems with time management. That's the issue I want to talk about.
Dr. Theresa Moore: On the phone, you said you were concerned you might have multiple personality disorder.
Jake: Yep, that too. Got buttloads of peeps living in my brain. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. We should talk about it.

Jake: Okay so the women's gym and the cocaine have given Debbie super powers. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Sergeant Jeffords: [on alarm app] Terry loves waking up. Terry loves waking up. Terry...
Sergeant Jeffords: Good morning, honey, time to... [screams] What the hell are you doing?
Jake: It's Holt and Amy's last day, so we're having a final heist! It's heist day!
Sergeant Jeffords: Couldn't you have just sent an email?
Jake: Nope, this was the only way. I have to go alert the others. See you soon!
[later, as Rosa opens her refrigerator:]
Jake: It's heist day, Rosa! [Rosa screams] Whoops, sorry about your milk. Gotta go!
[later, as Charles goes to wake Nikolaj up:]
Charles: Niko, it's time for school.
Jake: It's heist day, Charles!
Charles: Where's Nikolaj?
Jake: He's crying in the closet! Gotta go!
[later, as Amy walks into their bathroom:]
Amy: Babe, what are you doing?
Jake: I was hiding so I could surprise you. But if you're here, then who's in our shower?
Captain Holt: It's me, Captain Holt. It's heist day, Jake.
All: Oh!

Jake: Bing...pot! Nope, I was gonna say bingo and then I was like jackpot's better, but then it was too late, I was half way through the word.
Charles: Bingpot works. It's taking off.
Jake: It's taking off.

Amy: Thank you for doing this. I love you.
Jake: Noice. Smort. I love you too.

Amy: You're really gonna let these firefighters take Shaw's from us? Think of all the celebrations we've had here, all the times Terry has yelled "Nine-Nine!"
Captain Holt: I hate it when he says that. He should say, "Cheers to the Ninety-Ninth Precinct!"

Doctor: You may get painful goiter-like swelling in your neck and often extreme testicular discomfort.
Captain Holt: Okay, okay.
Jake: Cool, cool.
Captain Holt: Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Jake: No doubt.

Rosa: Don't worry about that stuff. The one dumb wedding thing I've always wanted was a bachelorette party.
Charles: Ah, so, cool, cool, cool. All the pressure's on that one event, cool, cool, very cool.

Jake: To the Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine! [ll drink from their beers and spit them out, groaning]
Gina: Y'all just drank cement!

Amy: Why're you smiling? That was useless.
Jake: Are you kidding me? Hitchcock and Scully just handed us a gem.
[later:]
Amy: Who wants cake?
Cagney and Lacey: Me!
Jake: And who wants to watch "101 Dalmatians" and not ask any hard-to-answer questions about your father and race?
Cagney and Lacey: Me! Me! Me!
Jake: [Jake and Amy high five] A noice.

Captain Holt: Damn it, we're locked in. Who are you working with, you coward?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do anything. I bet this was all Santiago's plan. She's making a play for the tube. She knew you hid it at Doggy Daycare.
Captain Holt: How do you know her plan?
Sergeant Jeffords: Since I wasn't part of the heist, people were sloppy around me with their secrets. I know everything. For instance, I know the real tube is inside that creepy, fake baby doll.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you tell me this earlier?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was trying to be respectful of the heisting process, but that was before I got screwed over.
Captain Holt: Well, your intel is of no use since we're locked in here. Unless you smash your gigantic body through the wall.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not the Kool-Aid Man!
Captain Holt: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am more than my muscles and I can prove it. All the locks in this building have a magnetic release in case of a fire. If we can overload the circuit, they'll unlock. We just need to connect the positive terminal of one outlet... [grunts] To the negative of the other, using this circuit board and a low-resistance wire. Luckily, I came prepared.
Captain Holt: Do suspenders conduct electricity? Oh, the gold thread!
Sergeant Jeffords: Now, we are about to overload the circuit. [electricity zapping]
Captain Holt: Bing pot!

Captain Holt: Lastly, on a personal note, as many of you know, Kevin and I have recently reconciled.
Jake: Noice. Somebody's getting some.
Captain Holt: It's true. I am.

Captain Holt: Peralta, you made an arrest in the bus bombing?
Jake: Yes, look, I know that I was told to back off, but something just didn't sit right, so I went back up there, and I caught the guy. He was snooping around. Now, he's not talking yet...
Captain Holt: Because he didn't do it.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: The feds already solved the case. There were prints on the bomb, which led to a suspect who confessed immediately.
Jake: Well, why didn't anyone tell me that?
Captain Holt: 'Cause they didn't have to because it's not your case.
Jake: So I arrested an innocent person?
Captain Holt: Yes.
Jake: Oh... that's not okay. Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool.
Captain Holt: Are you saying cool or uncool?
Jake: Uncool. It's just hard to say it fast, but this is bad!

Nick: I don't know where Garibaldi is, all right? It's not like we were close. I was just his trainer at the gym.
Captain Holt: Then why were you always going out to dinner with him? Was he doing reps of linguine?
Jake: Noice!

Amy: You're having a high-grade pre-test freak out. I've been there. March 13, 2001. AP Calc test-
Jake: Ames, I hate to cut you off, but we all know where this story's going.
Amy: Oh, yeah? You know that I crapped my pants in the middle of the test?
Jake: Oh my God, no, I thought you were just gonna say you got a B+ or something.
Amy: More like a BM.
Jake: Noice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, now Terry's worried about his test and his bowels!

Captain Holt: Maybe the thief stood on something, like one of these drawers. Turn off the light. Maybe something will show up under UV. [Jake turns off the light, Holt shines a UV light] Bingpot!
Jake: A footprint. You did it, you brilliant bimbo.

Charles: It's just that lunch is the one part of the day Commissioner Kelly hadn't ruined. People are pissed. Morale's really taken a hit.
Amy: Okay, I got this. Hey, squad. Lunch is on me today. Taking everyone out for pizza. [people cheer] And that's how you improve morale.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. You're not the only sergeant around here. Let me help.
This side of the room, lunch is on me, and we're getting something better than pizza. Sushi! [people cheer]
Amy: Are you trying to outdo me?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, no. Just trying to raise morale.
Amy: Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Morale, morale, morale. Okay.

Jake: Hey, you know what else is too tight? Us working a case together again.
Stevie: Swurt.
Jake: Whoo!
Charles: Yeah, we say "noice," not "swurt."

Jake: Stevie Schillens, you have the right to remain-
Charles: A loser.
Jake: Noice. But, now legally, I have to start over, Charles.

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Jason Stentley has been transferred from active duty effective immediately. Captain Raymond Holt will be taking his place, and, yes, he's taking all of us with him.
Amy: You mean-
Jake: Yes, Amy. We're back on the day shift!
Sergeant Jeffords: Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!
Jake: Come on and party tonight!

Jake: A Nakatomi Plaza cake? The groom is on a licorice hose.
Amy: [as Bruce Willis] Welcome to the wedding, pal.
Jake: Oh, Amy. These nups may be getting too toit.

Sergeant Jeffords: You were right. Terry loves to be loved!

Jake: Although, you know what, since I'm here, why don't I grab, like, eight handguns, couple of shotguns, and, I don't know, three more handguns.
Wax Eagan: Can I see some ID?
Jake: Yes, of course, of course. Oh. Would you look at that? I forgot my license, but I do happen to have this big old wad-
Wax Eagan: No problem.
Jake: Hmm?
Wax Eagan: I don't need your ID. Federal database is down anyway. Wink wink.
Jake: Ah.
Wax Eagan: So how do you like your ammo? By the box or by the bucket?
Jake: Cool, cool, cool, cool. Our country is broken.

Jake: Terry, would you do the honors?
Sergeant Jeffords: [YELLS] Why?!

Captain Holt: Sergeant, a member of the Commissioner selection committee is coming in today to tour the precinct and do some interviews. Would you mind speaking with her?
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course. Terry loves answering the hard questions.

Jake: You're right. It's gonna be great. Just got to stay positive. We're gonna see each other from across the room, we'll lock eyes, I'll say "noice," she'll say "toit," and then six months later, we'll be on "The Amazing Race" together.

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry loves women! Women be sane!

Charles: [on the phone] If he isn't taking his medicine, you could mix it in with his food.
Jake: [hanging up the phone with his walking stick] Sorry, you can deal with your sick dog later, Boyle.
Charles: Well, actually, that was about my son, Nikolaj. He's got allergies. I think we may have to go with a nasal douche.
Jake: Ah, nasal douche. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Very gross.

Amy: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Just so you know, at the end of the sixth book, Snape kills-
Jake: La-la-la-la-! No spoilies! Terry, let's go.

Gina: I know it seems like I blew it, but you got to give me another crack at him.
Now that I'm aware of our fascinating past, I have all the ammo that I need.
Captain Holt: Perhaps you would've had that ammo if you had read the file Diaz offered you.
Gina: No doubt. No doubt. Gina culpa.

Captain Holt: Well, a job is good. I know being stuck down here in Florida isn't ideal, but we need to make the best of it. In fact, I'm applying for a promotion at my new job.
Jake: Ah, very noice.
Captain Holt: And if all goes well, tonight you might be neighbors with Greg Stickney, Assistant Manager.
Jake: Very double noice.

Jake: Okay. Got it. Got it. Cool, cool, cool. No hospital. I am picking up what you're screaming down.

Sergeant Jeffords: Enough! Look, Terry loves love. But Terry also loves maintaining a professional work environment.

Charles: Wait, if Boomer's not doing it, who's running the task force?
Victor Lake: Detective Brett Booth from 6-3.
Jake: Oh! Cool, cool, cool.
Charles: Uh-oh. That was your worried "cool, cool, cool." Who's Brett Booth?
Jake: We were in the academy together. During a training exercise, I shot him with a rubber bullet and somehow it got underneath his goggles and hit him in the eye. It kind of messed up his depth perception.